Why Hitting Doesn't Work and How to Rise Above It

I love the September 27th, 2011 entry about Rising above Family History. I was lucky in that I don't remember my parents spanking much and they were always exceptionally positive about both my brother and I, especially in public. There were some families that believe in hitting as a norm and constant verbal abuse. Because of my interest in positive parenting, my eyes have been opened. Christian families are often led to believe that spanking is the only way and the more devout, the more spanking needed to "maintain discipline." It was so very sad to review stories, even about the Duggars blanket training, in which parents think force is the only way to get a child to "behave." I have seen papers about the "right way" to spank ie. not in anger, etc. I think this troubles me even more. Do you see Shepards beating their flocks with rods, no the rod is to guide them, to gently nurture the flock. Hitting is wrong, I dont hit Rob, I dont hit my dog, I dont hit my parents or my brother or my friends. Why is it that children are the exception? Do I have to beat them into submission? Make them fear me rather than change their behaviour?

The more I learn, the more I grow as a parent and hopefully shape my children. I want them to learn. Similar to circumcision, I learned the wrong way first. I will never cut another baby of mine. I have spanked before. And every time I spanked, my kids cried. When I asked them why I spanked them, they tearfully answer no. All they know is that mama just spanked them, sometimes because they themselves just hit (so tell me how spanking them after them hitting is going to change the cycle...it wont) or sometimes because of some unrealistic expectation placed on them. They learn by touch and smell and exploration. If they spill the sugar, it is, I can assure you, it is not to make Mom hit them or disappoint Mom, it is to learn about their world. So many parents take it all so personally, they are just "testing" me, they know I hate that, they know better....do they really?...at 2? They see sugar, they want to touch sugar. Thats it. Hunter has gotten into nail polish, peanut butter, sugar, Splenda, Sharpies, the list goes on. Did he do it with malicious intent. Can he even pronounce that? No and no.

I read somewhere that quitting spanking is like quitting smoking. Its hard. Spanking is easy, yelling at your kid is easy, telling them how awful and mean their behaviour was to make you feel better and more "in control" is easy. Explaining why, listening rather than shouting so much, resisting the urge to punish every time they "act up", staying calm, not letting it get personal, role playing, asking questions and distracting your child are the hard things. Rob and I work on them daily. I used to spank and hated it every time I did it. I have yelled before and I hated myself for it. I wonder how parents would feel if they heard some of the insults they have given to their child recorded back to them about two hours after they got mad. We take a lot of personal emotion into disciplining and its not fair to our kids.

I dont want to spank, but when you are tired and your kid is frustrated, its tough to fight the urge. I have learned to step back, pray (out loud oftentimes), tell my kids I need a moment to process this, just completely look at the situation and laugh, get some objectivity (is it really the most awful thing that Hunter is standing out at the end of the driveway naked after he just peed on his sister's scooter), call a friend, send them to their room to cool off, and finally talk about the situation. I resist the urge to "fix" every situation, sometimes kids are kids, they scream, they yell, they fight, they say mean things, they say inappropriate things, they are hurtful, but they have yet to fine tune their radars. Kids are impulsive and irrational. You can help by gently using your rod (in a biblical sense), not to hit, but to guide, to explain, to help. And to continuously educate yourselves on the topic of positive discipline, the more information you have, the more in control you are.

Remember that they also learn by watching you....if you scream and yell and spank, they are gonna do it too. If you scream at your spouse, they are gonna take it out on sissy or bruddy. If you are helpful and kind and loving, so will they be! BE the change you want to see in your child.

If your kids is throwing a huge tantrum, distract them calmly and give them a big hug, it works wonders and diffuses the situation. I have done it many times. Love and kindness and understanding carry much farther than hitting, yelling and screaming... when they act out, it is often from lack of affection. How often have I just pushed Rob's buttons because I want his attention, to be noticed. How could he not notice that I spent all day slaving over the house to make it shimmer. Well then, he gets the silent treatment and if he asks something, I'm gonna be rude until he notices. Its not good, but I would be lying if I said it didn't happen. Same with kids, they need attention, to be noticed, to be played with, to be attached to. If they don't have it, they will act out. Bad attention is better than no attention in their eyes.

Remember, kids don't care about about how much money you have, or what kind of house you live in, or whether they go to a pricey school or another person's status or reputation, they just want to be loved. They need intentional time spent with them, not money given to them. They need an outing at the zoo with Mom or Dad, not a nanny, they need a hug, a book, a laugh, a game, a connection. Family grounds them, makes them feel like they have a place of unconditional love. Some of the stories I read of children that have disassociated from their family of devout faith had just the most tearful renditions of being beaten until they had no breath, walking around in pure fear, terrified to ask questions, doing chores the wrong way only to be spanked. All because God says , "spare the rod and spoil the child". Please see the sites below about specific scripture references in Proverbs. Keep in mind that the definition of both the rod and the child are often taken out of context. One site even shows a picture of a rod or shebet.

How sad and awful. We are not raising Stepford kids. We are raising humans that need room to grow and make mistakes. They need the self-confidence to know they can do that. They need to feel comfort at home and grace, not constant judgment. Good grief, the outside world is hard enough without feeling pressure to be perfect at home. Let your kids explore and make mistakes. Let them learn to help clean up their mistakes. I don't believe in hitting as a form of punishment and I am more faithful today than I ever have been. And an occasional "swat" is just as bad. Stop altogether.

Positive Punishment does not mean no punishment, it just means more grace and more teaching. Discipline is 90% education and 10% punishment. I have learned you don't have to "punish" every time. Explain why smacking your sister is wrong, ask them what they need to feel peaceful, don't force them to apologize and move on, dig a little deeper, do role playing, talk about the fruits of the spirit, ask about their day and how they feel. Obviously every lesson doesn't need to be long, but listen to them. Sometimes Gabby has yelled at her brother because her feeling were hurt at school and she didn't know how to verbalize it. Hunter is a little jealous of Gabby's new special Kindergarten freedom and has lashed out at her. If I just forced them to apologize and screamed, "we DONT hit in this family", I would never learn about my kids. They get hurt, angry, lonely, frustrated just like we do. They take it out on those closest to us just like we do.

They also are learning a scary new sense of independence. If a toddler yells, "NO!!", resist the urge to say, "Oh you'll think no when you go to time out..." Let them resist you a little bit, its good for them to learn to say no. When a stranger grabs them, they need to know its okay to yell No. Again, toddlers are impulsive. Hunter will yell NO! Mama! and I will say calmly, "Okay if you don't want to clean up, I totally understand, just keep in mind that we can't leave to go to the park until the toys are cleaned up. And hey if you need help, let me know..." or "Wow it sounds like you are frustrated because I told you to clean up, is that right?" They need to be heard. Let consequences be natural. No cleaning means no fun. Taking shoes off in the car means your feet are gonna be hurting on the concrete, let the consequences be natural. I also used to count alot, okay Im gonna count to three and you better stop, I try to do that very rarely now. Kids are inheritantly slow, Rob and I have definately learned that. But if you make it fun, rather than scary, it will be much more effective.

Positive rewards are so so SO much more effective. I had the worst time getting Hunter to stay in his bed and I would yell and get frustrated and threaten things to be taken away. I was worn out and still lost the battle. Then one night, I told him he could get a Spiderman sticker for each night he stayed in bed and then on the fifth day, we would get a treat at Dollar Tree. Worked like a charm from the very first night. Gabby loves to be rewarded for her behaviour. She seeks it out. I know I love to be rewarded at work, rather than told all the things I need to work on. I feel happier, more productive and more appreciated.


All in all, I am striving to be a more positive parent. I mess up up sometimes, but I keep trying to be involved, positive and let them be who they want to be. I never want to force my kids to do things they don't like or wear things they hate. I want them to feel positive that I believe in them and therefore believe in their choices.

More sites to Read:

http://www.positive-parents.org/ (referred to at the beginning of the post)

http://gentlechristianmothers.com/

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

http://metropolitanmama.net/2009/09/7-reasons-we-dont-spank/

http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline/ (one of the BEST scripture by scripture explanations of why the Bible does NOT teach us to spank)

http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2011/07/27/ap-and-spanking-dont-mix/ (EXCELLENT)

http://www.unhinderedliving.com/discipline.html (another Biblical approach to NOT Spanking)

I feel as passionate about not spanking as I do about not letting a baby "cry it out"or force it to adhere to strict scheduled feedings/bedtime routine for parental convenience and the awful truth about circumcision. I have a very sincere desire to educate others.