Grace Isabella was born on February 13th through the miracle of embryo donation and adoption. Rob and I donated 11 embryos through the Snowflakes program at Nightlight Christian Adoption after our failed IVF that took place in July of 2007. We could not afford to continue IVF and little Hunter, of course, was conceived naturally that November. We were matched with an amazingly wonderful, faithful, loving couple that we had a hand in choosing. We felt donation was not only the right thing to do, but we felt led. Through Him, I was able to make this decision. I do not regret it. I did however, underestimate the sheer emotions involved in being a very close participant. However, I did not believe in donating anonymously and wanted to know the adopting couple.
Ted and Lisa thawed one straw of 2 embryos and implanted one embryo through Duke. It worked and little Grace was born. We received three pictures of this precious miracle. A blessing and gift. It is a wonderful event. I do know this. I am learning to cope with my own emotions. that seem very raw and sometimes unbearable. in time, I pray for my hurt to fade. my happiness for them unfortunately does not numb the pain of loss.
Knowing that a biological child of mine and Robs now exists in family not our own is very surreal. Knowing that we will never raise this child is even stranger. Grace is not our child and never will be. To see a picture of a biological child that looks so very much like your husband standing with a couple I cherish, but have never met, who are now her parents, is an odd feeling, similar to the feeling I had after the miscarriages. It is a loss, a sadness, a grief like I have never experienced. It aches in a way I have never felt. It hurts. very badly. Although the hurt will fade with time, mine and Rob's love for Grace and any other children born from our embryos, will not.
We have our family of four. We have an amazing daughter and an amazing son whose love for each other never fails to astound me on a daily basis. I am blessed. But although Grace will never be a part of my family, she will ALWAYS be a part of my heart and of my prayers. I will think of her often. I love her. I always will.
Gabriella and Hunter are my life, the very pulse of my heart, two children I would literally do anything for, I love them in a way that a mother loves her babies. I will most likely never hold, love, snuggle on Grace the way her mother will. But she will occupy my thoughts, just as Gabby's birthmother occupies my thoughts. Two families that came together after the embryos were frozen for four years and a miracle was born. Just as Gabby's birthmother decided on adoption, so will we. Gabby and Hunter now both have biological siblings that are not a part of their family.
One of the things I remember most in my letter to Lisa was saying that we are all angels to one another through the grace of Christ. Lisa named her baby Grace and when I read that, I felt calm, comforted by the King himself.
This has been a journey, one that continues to unfold, but I can say that it has changed my life forever, my devotion to God and the very meaning of family. Gabby and Hunter are the beat of my heart. They are my family. My children. forever. just as Grace is now with her family. as it all should be.
And I know, in time, I will grow in my acceptance of it.
here is a fellow donor's blog I want to keep. I did not comment, but felt very tempted because I feel very alone in this journey at times and it was nice to hear from another donor mom.
In Christ,
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