They actually treat embryo adoption like any other type of adoption and the adopting parents must go through extensive paperwork and prepare for the babies. As the genetic parents or as I requested to be called, the donor family, we also completed lots of medical tests and paperwork, letters, a biography and a picture album for them. When we went through IVF, Gabriella was home forever with us as our first born daughter and these babies, while not of the same DNA, are linked to her. They would have been her siblings. However, four months later, little Hunter came on the scene naturally, quite unexpected (we were trying, just not expecting results ;) so as a family of four now, we just were not ready for treatments again and while we were unsure of God's plan for our family, we knew that it was not fair to keep them in storage for years at a time when we could help provide a family for another couple battling the same fertility hardships as us.
So I got to know Ted and Lisa through pictures, a biography, an album, and through conversation on email. I shared with her perhaps my deepest feelings. One thing I promised myself is that when Rob and I decided to pursue this option, I would not hold back. I was honest about how difficult it is even now and was to part with the embryos and I told her about my feelings, interests and parenting style. I shared everything about my faith, my desire to keep any future boys in our family uncircumcised, and my belief in attachment parenting and natural parenting. Although we are now using a hybrid of cloth and Pampers now, from 4 months until recently, I used cloth exclusively and loved it. Now it is work, especially in a small apartment, but we saved lots of money.
Point being, I didn't expect them to follow all my interests or mothering styles of course as every mother makes the decisions she feels is best for her family, but I wanted them to "know" me as a mother and "know" Rob as a father. Ironically, she shares in all of my beliefs and respects us very much. I had requested someone that believed in natural parenting, but did not expect that they would embrace natural parenting as a lifestyle. They are quite well-traveled and I think this lends itself well to natural parenting as most parts of the world use babywearing and breastfeeding as ways to bond and worldly circumcision rates are quite low, although the US average continues to drop. I told them Rob takes my natural parenting in stride and did quite well with cloth ;) I told them of Rob's interests and what I love about him as a husband and a father. They got to see our kids. In other words, they got to really know us best they could short of meeting us. Rob actually commented before I did of the sheer physical resemblence to us. It was meant to be. They are wonderful and will make amazing parents and honestly, I am excited for them. I will pray for their success and always think of them fondly. It was however, not without difficulty, getting to this point.
This was the absolute hardest, most rewarding, most soul-searching, most faithful, deepest, most emotional and most trying thing I have ever and most likely WILL ever do. It has affected my relationship with Christ, myself, my marriage and my kids. As I still continue to sort my own feelings out, this I know: It was the right thing to do, and by that, I mean Rob and I try not to preach what we will not stand behind, so by both of us believing so strongly that babies are formed at conception, to dispose of or use for scientific experiments, was not something we advocate and to us, would be wrong.
It was also the first time I think I have ever truly and significantly surrendered to Christ. We can believe, anyone can believe, but it is our actions and the way we treat and love one another that exhibits His grace. It is for His glory. Now I realize that reading scripture and sharing in the light of worship with our Brothers and Sisters in Christ is important and bathing in the word of God is perhaps imperative, but becoming a Christian, attending Church, courting your kids off to the nursery, singing and clapping, nodding to the sermon and heading off along your merry way is not living your life for Jesus. It is a direction, a lifestyle, something to do on a Sunday and perhaps a meal during the week, but is it following Jesus?
Is it truly surrendering to Jesus? True surrender is not easy. And, as David Platt so eloquently puts in the book Radical, it is often in conflict with our desire to pursue the American Dream. I am not perfect, but I am taking baby steps. It was not a mistake that this decision was in our hands and I knew it was an opportunity to throw myself from a cliff with my arms out and hope that my wings would fly. I did not want to do it and I battled self imposed will along the way. BUT, as I wrote in my letter to Ted and Lisa, we are all angels to one another through the Grace of Christ, and it is through Him that I am able to feel comfort and peace, despite my sadness. God led me to an agency where I might feel a sort of kinship with Ted and Lisa, and they were chosen especially for me, as Gabby was born for us. I am thankful to them. I know I am always in the shelter of His wings! I know that adoption is love, truly it is. I live it.
It did however, after many years of trying to have a family of our own, stir up a great deal of emotions I have pushed away. Losing multiple pregnancies and battling infertility scarred me deeply, but after having two amazing children, I don't think of those emotions much anymore. I choose not to keep reliving and rehashing, or finding other experiences to dwell on. I want to be positive, focused on our future as a family and not revel in my own past experiences. I have parents that have celebrated independence, strength, positive outlook and courage to move on for which I am extremely grateful. Rob and I both are independent, strong and faithful people. So we will not continue to dwell on this experience, nor have I really shared my feelings about it to more than several people. It is personal, which is why I wanted to make my blog private.
Because I was having so much difficulty battling my own emotions and having many nights where I found it difficult to sleep, Rob suggested we do not get frequent updates as most donor families do, so that we may move on and I get some much needed distance from the entire situation because it was becoming too difficult.
So we have done that and I feel that I am better able to focus on the peace and comfort of my decision than on my own emotions. I am a mother and these embryos hold a part of me in them. I will love them, pray for them and hold them close to my heart always. I will never ever forget, but I must be able to be strong for the family I have now, and on my two wonderful children I am blessed to mother everyday.
There is a chance they will not use all 11 embryos. We may one day find them in our hands again and another decision might need to be made, but for now, I trust in God. I will glorify Him.
I will post news as I receive it. I requested to know about the unfreezing, rethawing and subsequent pregnancy and birth information but after that, we will not receive news or pictures. I will pray for them always, as I do Gabby's Birthmother. But I must let go. It's not easy.
I do hope that when Gabby and Hunter are old enough to understand our decision, they understand why and that they have peace from it. I actually hope the same of the babies that Ted and Lisa may have, that they one day understand why and that they have peace from it.
We wanted to be able to give our hearts to our two children that we have now. I really do not want to go through more fertility treatments now. Three rounds of Clomid, an IUI and an IVF pretty much did it for me ;) I don't know if my feelings will ever change. We just want to be able to give our hearts to the two we have now.
Our family.
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