An excerpt from my favorite book...

http://books.google.com/books?id=daeq84DTC3IC&pg=PA266&lpg=PA266&dq=attachment+parenting+exersaucers+and+swings&source=web&ots=SnS8CgRjGU&sig=560ALtDm6z_I0cu6-JmBPNcS_dM&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=6&ct=result


First of all, I will begin saying that this post will be long so if attachment parenting doesn't interest you, read on, I totally understand. However if it does, I hope you find these ideas informative and useful in your own parenting.

My interest and Rob's as well in attachment and bonding started way back when Rob and I first began to research adoption. It is a catch phrase and logical in the fact that because your child grew in your heart, you will want to readily "attach" and "bond" with them as quickly as possible. We tried to do anything and everything that had "co" in front of it when Gabby came home. Co-sleeping, co-bathing, co-showering, you name it. Gabby would squeal with delight when she got to take a shower with Dada. She attached quickly with no problems to us and we are thankful for that, these practices further strengthened our bond and helped us more easily navigate her needs.

As far as co-sleeping, Gabby has always been just liked her bed better and even though we tried, from the first time we laid her in her bed that very first night just to try it out, she just liked it better. Even now, I put her in bed with us and she wakes me up and says, "Mama, Babby's bed" So I never push it and usually after she has a nosebleed or bad dream, we put her in bed with us for awhile to comfort her and wait until she is ready to go back to her bed. She has only fallen asleep for the night a handful of times in our bed.

After seeing so many wonderful slings in Guatemala on other Guatemamas and talking about the benefits of baby-wearing, Rob and I both tried to "wear" Gabby as much as we could. He carried her quite alot in Guatemala on both the visit and pick up trips and I loved to put her in slings and used to get so many compliments on both the slings and how happy she looked while riding with mama. People at the mall stopped me all the time asking where they could get the sling.

I did research adoptive breastfeeding actually quite in-depth but my previous endocrine doctor had told me I would never be able to breastfeed with the pituitary tumor, so I sort of gave up. How wrong he was I realize after two new doctors and a whole lotta milk later but thats another story. BUT, I digress, anyway I wanted my "bottle nursing" experience to be as similar to breastfeeding as I could get it to be. I never wanted to be a prop up a bottle in a crib kind of mom. Rob and I tried to make the feedings calm and soothing as well as a bonding experience for us both.

Another important point here is that the parent, especially after an adoption, (I hate the term adoptive mom/dad or adoptive child, I try to not use those terms, I'm her mom, she's my child, the way she entered this family might be by ways of the heart, but she is in our family now and I would never refer to her as my adoptive daughter) I believe should participate in most of the primary bonding activities. When Gabby first came home, especially because we were both working full time, bathing was one of the only activities that we could do even on the days she went to daycare or was with another caregiver. Obviously she had to eat during the days she was with a caregiver, but basically I'm saying anything and everything that you can do, time and job permitting, as a parent that is a bonding activity, you should do yourself as much as you can with as much much contact as possible.

Now that Gabriella is older, I'm much more willing to let others assist and bond with her more because she now knows our roles as her parent, although I do always appreciate if they ask first.

We also had an AMAZING foster mother experience. Short of me fostering in Guatemala, Thelma was the next best thing. She was a kind, loving gift that adored Gabriella. So for the five and a half months that Gabriella was not in our arms, she was loved and nurtured. Thelma was a wonderful answered prayer.

With Hunter, Gabriella had already given us the gift of parenthood, but we were alone with a newborn for the first time ever. I will admit that because Gabriella is such an amazing child, I was terrified beyond belief to be solely, along with Rob's help, responsible for a tiny little creature for the first months of his life that might scream all the time. I wanted to breastfeed but was absolutely shocked at how un-natural and extremely painful it seemed for the first six weeks. I couldn't get him to latch on correctly and did not do my research enough to even help with the nerves. I was just SO scared about breastfeeding in the hospital that I think I might have shyed away from feeding him enough. Thankfully I had a great lactation consultant who I met with several times since they wouldn't even let me leave the hospital without seeing her one last time because he just kept losing weight. He was born at 8 lbs 10 oz and left the hospital at 7 lbs 11 oz. A couple of ounces lost is normal but 15 is not.

Without my friend Wendy cheering me on during the first couple of weeks, I might have quit. During that time, I had to pump after every feeding around the clock and give him the tiny little amount in a bottle to supplement his couple of drops he was getting from me. He was fussy and hungry. It was stressful and oh so tiring. He had to get formula for several feedings because he was just too hungry. Thankfully, my pediatrician told me to relax. He never suggested formula as a full-time option and finally after 10 days, my milk began to flourish though the sheer tortuous pain remained and I did pale when Hunter looked at me with hunger in his eyes. His weight at the first visit on Wednesday after leaving the hospital was the same, then a couple of days later, he gained a couple of ounces. Then he just became a chunk. My doc told me that he actually does not see that very often with such a dramatic initial loss. He said usually the mother opts for formula or the milk just never seems to catch up. My endocrine doc had told me that because I produce so much prolactin, breastfeeding would be easy for me, quite the opposite of my first doc. Thats why I don't always trust a doctor's diagnosis the first time.

I absolutely with every fiber of my being LOVE breastfeeding. The pain is gone and I love that he looks up at me and rubs my face with his hand while he feeds away. I try to latch exclusively and he doesn't get a pacifier or anything. I don't adhere to any strict feeding regimen, just every couple of hours when he begins to get restless or starts sucking his thumb. If I need to get up one night three times and none the next night, so be it. I hate rigid scheduling that is easier on the parent than the child and does not allow for grow spurts which lead to increased nursing or dvelopmental stages that might allow for additional soothing. It can actually lead to severe dehydration if the parent adheres to a strict regime in the first weeks. The bonding time is wonderful and with the exception of what actually goes in his mouth, very similar to Gabby's bottle nursing. And the other day, my doc said that he is growing well and although he is indeed the 98% for weight and 90% for height, he is following his own curve quite nicely and looks perfect, his own words, not mine, but okay he is pretty perfect. So is my baby girl!

I just got a new mei tai wrap that is AWESOME!!!! I have tried to carry him with all my other slings, I do have a mini collection, but they kill my neck and back because he is rather big. So he does spend more time than I would like in baby holders. Unlike the baby Bjorn which dangles a baby from his crotch and does not allow for proper spinal alignment, not to mention awful for people that have neck and back problems, this wrap puts most of the baby's weight on a mom's hips and waist. The baby "sits" in the sling. I seriously can hardly feel my 19lb pound baby much less my 29 lb baby girl on my back. The wrap is the Mei Favorite at babiesbeyondborders.com Of course being the frugal lady that I am for the most part, I found it on Ebay for half the price and used auctionstealer.com to snipe for me. (Thanks mom for the advice as apparently they are a hot commodity and I had already lost two to previous snipers)

Hunter also loved to sleep on me, with me, or near me at all times and still does. I will say that he probably does get a better night's sleep if he is in his bassinet versus in our bed because we move around so much and wake him up. We don't do as much co-bathing with him but more co-sleeping than with Gabby. Today in fact he just layed and nursed for an hour and a half, yes that long, usually it is about 5-15 minutes these days. He went in and out of sleep. He usually sleeps in his bassinet by my bed and sleeps quite well. Mom has been urging me to put him in his crib more because he is outgrowing his little bassinet but it is so hard. He just sleeps so well right near us. Right now, he is sleeping on the couch upstairs with me until I take him down to bed to sleep in his little bassinet. He woke up wailing from his crib again tonight and is just happier near mama considering I sit up and read or blog well past midnight.

One last point I will touch on is the fact that now I am a stay at home mom. I have done both and can relate to both. However for our family at this time, we both feel that this is the best solution for our kids. I love what I do and contribute my part to our family. It nonetheless comes with sacrifices. We are moving as you might have seen and may evetually sell our Jeep, but for now, we hope to pay off some bills and move to a smaller house/apartment/condo who knows? I really could care less as long as I am able to continue to stay at home.

So that is where I am as far as my experience with attachment parenting, now I will touch on what it is and the benefits I personally have witnessed. I am just really delving into it and will continue to upgrade my parenting style based on what I research.

Attachment parenting is a term coined by Dr. Sears that basically encourages the parent to respond to baby's cries rather than the old-fashioned style of "crying it out". It teaches the parent to bond with baby through touch and time rather than through the use of baby holders. Babywearing, breastfeeding and bonding are all coin phrases associated with attachment parenting. Now with Gabriella, I have begun researching the benefits of positive discipline, a common partner to attachment parenting. It really works and is quite remarkable. It still defines limits without the need for threats, spanking, yelling, deprivations, etc. and it really does work. You can also read my previous post on attachment parenting and find Dr. Sears' definition of what it is and is not, ie spoiling. How sad that people think responding to a child's only form of communication is spoiling or letting them cry it out is healthy. Leaving a baby in a crib way down the hall in a dark room with a monitor that could possibly go out during the night away from the warmth of his or her mother with maybe a stuffed animal when they are too tiny to even smile is just not a healthy start to bonding and attachment or life outside of the womb.

I think it is important to make upgrades in our parenting styles. I still have swings and exersaucers, but gradually through the use of my sling and wrap collection (which in part is due to Guatemala where Rob and I bought several beautiful and useful slings from amazingly talented and artistic women)try to put him in them less and less. For one, it is just not natural to put a baby in an exersaucer in an upright position for very long before they can walk. It can cause their stomach muscles to develop slower and cause a baby to be hunched over or pull their back from wobbling backwards and forwards.

As we all know, Hunter is big. Where Gabriella fit so nicely in her cute little slings, Hunter just did not. A correctly fitted sling should not hurt you or the baby. With my new mei tai, I will be able to carry him on either my front or back up to 35 pounds. He sucks his thumb much less when he is in my wrap and spends more time just looking around content. A baby is designed to coddle against the curve of a human body, not lay in a hard plastic carrier. I just don't understand why parents lug around these heavy plastic baby buckets that are designed purely to carry a baby in the car. I've done it, when it would be much easier to just pop Hunter out of the hard, rigid seat and let him rest against his mother. He is learning more if he isn't trying to spend so much time self-soothing away from a warm body. Rob thought it was so crazy that I wanted to leave the stroller at home and carry Hunter in his sling for our Home Depot outing turned eat at a Mexican restaurant outing. Thats just the point, I want to carry him more, both out and at home because in a world of neon blinky blinky baby gadgets, I want to feel and smell my sons sweet skin before he runs away to college. I want to tote my toddler around as I can in a scary world where they are constantly testing new waters. I think our society pushes young children to become independent far too soon. After toting them from baby carrier to baby carrier, we then thrust young children into the world, largely untouched, to navigate for themselves. They are seen as needy, weird or too shy if they need a mother's reassurance or touch as they get older. How sad, is that not our job?

A baby that nurses till he is two is weird, or co-sleeps is odd. A toddler that needs extra attention in a pretty scary world while he is just learning to be a little independent is strange. I don't want Gabriella to talk to every stranger that says hello or go participate in every type of kid friendly social activity. As my mother would say, children are just not social beings until they are at least three. This is not to say that I don't let Gabby around other kids or want to have play dates, hardly. I love it. I just don't want her to feel like she can't stay with me because she might be a little unsure. I'm not going to just thrust her into an awkward situation because I feel like I need to. There is often as much or more pressure on parents these days to have a "perfect" child as defined by our untouchable Western society than there is on the kids.

Lets look at the rest of the world who says that breastfeeding until at least age 2 is the norm and the family bed is the only option. They carry their children everywhere. I hardly ever saw a native Guatemalan child that was not in a wrap, sling or carrier. Here it almost seems weird if we want to touch our child. Its absurd, someone once told me that a child will die without any touch in 10 days. I don't know about the validity of that statement but I do know that we need to hold, carry and touch our children especially straight out of the womb, whether that is the mother's stomach or a foreign country/environment. Either is a shock to the system and the feel of the mother's heartbeat, the natural rhythym of walking and breathing that an infant grew so accustomed to in the womb can cause an infant to feel scared, lost, irritable or out of balance. Probably one of the best benefits of baby-wearing is that the baby is brought into the world gradually and stays close to the mother while adjusting to life outside the womb, or comfortable rhythmic space. Babies define their world by this sense of rhythm. While kept close to their mothers and fathers, they are more in sync with each other and therefore more in sync with each other's needs. I can see Hunter's face so close now and usually can judge when he is getting hungry, tired or when he is uncomfortable. Hunter never saw the crib the first couple of months. He is just now experiencing some of his new baby toys. Look at the animal kingdom, how often do you see a mother walking around while their baby lounges in a plastic plaything. I say that with sarcasm but the truth is there. They are usually velcroed to their mother, feeding from their mother, on their back or in a pouch or right next to her.

Here are the biggest benefits as I am getting long-winded. I told Rob the other day I wanted to write a book on attachment parenting, natural living and the power of positive discipline. I need to do another post about the benefits of positive disciplines so I will stick with the benefits of attachment parenting as I have witnessed in my children as much as we have practiced it. Hunter does get occasional swing time or exersaucer time. The exersaucer and the jumper I do believe give Gabby a wonderful way to bond with Hunter on her level which I think is especially important for siblings. It is a time that she can share with just Hunter watching Baby Einstein when Mom or Dad is not holding him. She talks more to him during this time and now actually gives him toys or teethers. It is time she can share with him looking directly at her so I do not hold him exclusively. I did read in that excerpt by the way that American babies on average are touched about 25% of the time and Korean babies are touched 90% of the time. As I research more and more, I am giving both Gabby and Hunter more of my time in general. I am relying less and less on plastic blingy toys and TV and relying more on myself to create through imaginary play. Thats also another post. For now I will tell you some benefits I have noticed recently.

Hunter spends less time self soothing when I have him in the sling rather than in some type of baby holder. He is more alert and content.

Hunter does not wake up screaming anymore when he has fallen asleep in some type of baby carrier which I thought once were gas pains but now am believing he is just scared and out of rhythm, especially as I can now sling him more comfortably for longer periods of time with my new sling. The minute I put him in his bassinet by the bed or let him sleep in my arms, he never wakes up screaming.

I don't co-bathe with Hunter but always let Gabriella help me with his baths because I think it is so important to find ways she can bond with him since she cannot give him a bottle. It is as important for siblings to bond positively to a new baby as it is for the parent. She is more accepting, friendlier, and positive about the change if she is involved in the change. She loves to participate in activities where he can play (with my help). She does puzzles with him, builds blocks with him and he even goes in her tents. My mother is the best about helping them do things together. Creative play is so good for them. So she loves to help bathe him and play with him. If I was constantly swatting her away from him, she would not only resent him but always try to get attention, even negative, by constantly playing rough with him. Does she try to annoy him at times, of course, shes two, but I do my best to help encourage positive play.

I have started rocking Gabby again at night, or Rob does. Again this is a recent reintroduction as she went for a long time without having the interest in it for more than one second. Tonight we sat and read Bible stories from her little Bible, which is great by the way. It is called The Little Bible. It has short Bible stories with pictures. She enjoys the one on one attention and I can set Hunter in his crib and he is perfectly content listening to us talk and often drifts off to sleep. Even if I can't always hold him because I need to spend time with Gabby and he is put in a baby holder, I try to always keep him near to us. I NEVER just set him in it and use it as a baby sitter for long periods of time.

Gabby loves to be carried in the sling. Now I haven't been out of the house carrying her because I just got my new power carrier, but she had a blast riding on Mommy's back. I call it a sling but it is a carrier, not a sling.

Hunter is a happy baby because he is secure. I can easily navigate his needs.

More later, time for bed. I've been writing for a very long time :) night!