Late Night Thoughts

There are times that this blog is cathartic and one of those times is now. Granted the pregnancy makes me more emotional than usual and I'm on lots of other hormones that do just that, but I realized tonight just how terrified I really am. I feel like I am venturing into the unknown and it really scares me. The farther I get in the pregnancy, the worse it would be if something happened physically and mentally. I have done such a good job of convincing myself that I will be fine that every once in awhile I just break down. I literally start to panic. I think anyone that faces a trauma they have experienced before does just that. Those feelings come rushing back to you and you have to constantly fight them off. The funny thing is that even though I'm terrified and panicky I think that this pregnancy is very strong. This pregnancy also has made me so proud of myself as it easy to feel like a failure when you cannot carry something others do with ease.

Another thing I notice now that there are lots of people that know I'm pregnant is the way they react. Some people talk about the pregnancy and never mention the baby. Some people constantly ask me if something is wrong or how am I doing. People ask me if I think I'm going to miscarry again??? Huh? Another thing I'll go ahead and clear up is that people assume I wouldn't be excited. Just because I've lost pregnancies doesn't mean each time I get pregnant is any less exciting or thrilling. It is pure joy, I'm elated, EVERY TIME.

My best friend is pregnant and is currently 33 weeks I believe now. We are pregnant together, something we thought might not happen. She was pregnant and told me about it when I was going through IVF. I was convinced about 110% that the IVF had worked. I thought God would never yank that away from me, the chance to be pregnant with Wendy. I'll never forget when I called her to tell her it failed and she was crying harder than I was. I'll also never forget how happy she was for me when I was pregnant again and she told me she kept waking up that night and thinking about me being pregnant and she was just so excited. She always asks about the baby and how I feel and talks about the delivery and what life will be like with two. She asks about what I think the baby will be like, she makes it real. It is exactly what I need because most people don't do that. In other words, she believes in me.

I wish everyone did.